


It wasn't supposed to matter

by Lulubear13



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Forbidden Love, Heartbreak, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-08
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2019-01-31 03:07:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12667005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lulubear13/pseuds/Lulubear13
Summary: Basically a little letter written for the fans and for Harry. It's about pain and not being able to be who you want to be.





	It wasn't supposed to matter

_When it’s love, nothing matters. That’s what they say, right? They tell you that when you’ve found the one, nothing matters, but they lie. When I found love, everything mattered. Nothing was not important, nothing was accepted. They told me I was wrong, told me that it wasn’t something I was supposed to do, that I should stop it, or they’d make me stop it. Suddenly everything was wrong. The way I looked at him was wrong, the way I held his hand was wrong, the way I hugged and kissed him was wrong. They told me it wasn’t something you do. ‘ You don’t kiss your best friend ‘, they told me and when I said that I loved him, that he was my boyfriend, they didn’t support me like i thought they would, they didn’t understand. They still don’t. They forbid me to do the things my heart screamed for. Suddenly I had to stop looking at him, I wasn’t allowed to look in those emerald green eyes, which turned dull and lifeless after time. I couldn’t enjoy his laugh anymore, it was taken from him and exchanged with a serious face. His hand was ripped out of mine, my silent smiles towards him erased and all the feelings should have been forgotten, but they never were. I never forgot, never stopped loving him._

_The nights we laid side by side, smiling, laughing and feeling like there wasn’t a single bad thing in the world, still sneak around in my head and my whole body aches to get him back. They made me pretend to be in love with someone else, made me break him and also myself. He was taken away from me and given to a girl I learned to hate with every last bit of my body. The heart I had handed him was ripped out of his grip and thrown away. They broke me, took away my reason to smile and to laugh, and they replaced all of it with lies, lies that slip so easily out of my mouth now, that it scares me. I should not have to lie about my well-being, about every simple thing in my life. My life shouldn’t feel like a lie, it shouldn’t BE a lie. I should be able to live a normal life, to be happy and to love who I want to love. I should be able to love him, but I’m not. I’m not allowed to. Everything changed since they made us break up. The funny and happy_ _boy I fell in love with, suddenly seems serious and sad, his genuine smile that always showed his dimples was replaced by a fake one and his expressions turned controlled and cold. Nights full of quite kisses and sweet cuddles turned into lonely and silent ones full of regret and grief. Two hearts that beat for each other were separated and now it feels like mine is barely keeping me alive. Butterflies are replaced by a constant ache and movements that once were full of confidence and control are now unsure and unsteady. My mind keeps reminding me about those times that are now only memories left inside my head and it’s driving me insane. Thoughts won’t shut up and all my movements are being watched. All my emotions are kept inside of me, like an animal imprisoned in a cage, and my thoughts are killing me from the inside. I want him back, want to be able to look into those green eyes again, not the dull ones. I want to see him smile again, I want to be the reason he smiles. I want him near me, hug him, feel his lips on mine and his hands in my hand. I want to have his full attention focussed on only me, not on this girl he clearly doesn’t love and not on anybody else. I want to hear his laugh, just once to make sure that they didn’t take his whole happiness, didn’t ruin him completely. I want to make sure he is not as broken as I am, because he shouldn’t feel the way I do. He, out of all people, shouldn’t have to live with the consequences of loving me, he doesn’t deserve it. He should be happy, with or without me, he should live in happiness._

_He was my home, my safe place, the shoulder to cry on and the arms that kept me safe, and they took him from me, seperated us. I don’t want to have to keep feeling like this, uncomplete and lifeless. I want to feel safe again, like I’m home whenever he’s near me. I want to be able to smile again, laugh again, just to feel anything besides this pain, loneliness and emptiness. I want to feel alive again, but I can’t, because they took this opportunity from me, made me life a live of a person that I don’t am. They made me forget my life, forget what was going on or at least they tried to. Maybe if they’d succeeded I wouldn’t feel this way, wouldn’t be tortured by my mind and by those memories which turned sad, but they didn’t succeed. I don’t want to keep on living like this, I can’t. Seeing him with this girl he’s supposed to love, seeing the pained expression in his eyes when he looks at me, it’s driving me nuts, it’s breaking me more and more every time. I want it to stop, I want to tell him I’m sorry for not fighting for us, for him. I want to tell him all the things I wasn’t able to tell him, tell him that nothings wrong with him, with us, I want to tell him that I love him and should have stood up against them, but I didn’t and maybe I’ll never be able to. Maybe he already knows, maybe not, and Harry, if you’re reading this, then you know. I love you, always have, always will._

_Louis_


End file.
